MANHATTAN, Kan. -- A teen's expectations for a family holiday can be vastly different than his or her parents’ expectations, but parents who are willing to be flexible -- and compromise -- can help to level some of the bumps in the road, said Elaine Johannes, Kansas State University Research and Extension youth development specialist.

Most teens want to be part of family traditions, but may also want to be with their friends. It’s not unusual for teens to consider the holidays irrelevant to their current time of life, said Johannes, who urges parents to consider how the world has changed since they were teens.

Though the world is vastly different from when most parents were teens, today's teens are still faced with the developmental task of figuring out who they are and how and where they can fit in, said Johannes, who is based in the School of Family Studies and Human Services at K-State.

"Teens want to fit in, but they also want to be unique and special, much like a “star” in their own personal fable,” said Johannes, who encourages parents to try to balance their family's expectations when it comes to holiday traditions with respect for where their children are developmentally.

Saying that isn't the same as saying parents shouldn't have those expectations for their children, said Johannes, who offered tips for families during holiday gatherings:

* Organize a casual family meeting, over brunch or a pizza, and ask family members to choose which family traditions they most enjoy and would like to keep this year. 

* Plan dinner, but plan it when the game is over. Be up front about who will attend, and what the expectations are, such as turning off the television and cell phones, and no texting. 

* Take time to talk to each other and enjoy the food, but realize that teens may want to skip dessert in favor of time with their friends.

* Encourage teens to invite a friend for a holiday gathering, family outing or game night.

           

* Think about ways to separate before coming back together.

* Plan downtime, when family members can be apart from each other, to allow everyone to rest and look forward with renewed interest.

* Be respectful; families can engage without being joined at the hip.

"Teens, and children of any age, for that matter, model adult behaviors and the environment," said Johannes, who urged parents and teens to be flexible, willing to compromise and patient.

More information about managing family relationships is available at county and district Extension offices and on the Extension Web site: www.ksre.ksu.edu.

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K-State Research and Extension is a short name for the Kansas State University Agricultural Experiment Station and Cooperative Extension Service, a program designed to generate and distribute useful knowledge for the well-being of Kansans. Supported by county, state, federal and private funds, the program has county Extension offices, experiment fields, area Extension offices and regional research centers statewide. Its headquarters is on the K-State campus, Manhattan.

Story by: Nancy Peterson
nancyp@ksu.edu
K-State Research & Extension News

Elaine Johannes is at 785-532-5773 or, by e-mail, ejohanne@ksu.edu.